The SOS Brigade Member's Guide to the Suzumiya
by Kyon-kun Choreboy of the World
Summary: Haruhi begins to read the Guide, and what happens? Well pure chaos, of course!
1. Chapter 1

If you were to see a whale falling from the sky, what would you think? In addition to that, what if a bowl of petunias were falling beside it. Now ask yourself, who is the cause of this? Isn't it obvious? To give you a hint, I'll tell you the whale's name, or rather, what everyone chose to call the whale. The whale was called Kyon, and has been having quite the interesting life so far. For instance, the time he had awoken in a world alone with the one who has caused his life to be so interesting. The same person has made Kyon become a whale and fall alongside a bowl of petunias, simply because she was bored. Some may call this girl a mystical creature, straight out of a science-fiction novel. As the petunias and Kyon fell, the petunias suddenly had a thought.

_Why the hell am I falling next to a whale that used to be a Japanese teenager? This whole damn world doesn't make any sense! _

Strangely, at that moment, the whale uttered his thoughts, and the petunias heard him.

_How do you think _I _feel? I'm falling next to a bowl of petunias as a whale because of _HER!

And the two continued to fall, constantly bickering with each other about the situation, until the two both hit the earth. At that moment, they both went silent.

Today was a completely average day, and I thought that perhaps Haruhi wouldn't be too energetic today. I was wrong in thinking that, she's always energetic, no matter what. As I exited my house and began the long trek up the hill, I began to think. What is with Japan and climbing up hills? Quite honestly, I think it'd just be easier to have schools in a centralized place without making everyone have to climb up the hill. Or at least abolish Gym. I get quite enough exercise walking to school, thank you! I let my mind continue to wander around random topics such as these as I climbed the hill. As I finally arrived at school, I did my routine of putting my shoes in my shoelocker and heading to class. I believe I forgot to introduce myself. I have a name, but everyone chooses to call me Kyon, so to avoid confusion, you might as well call me Kyon, I guess.

The school day had begun, and I noticed something peculiar about Haruhi. She had been carrying a book. _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_, it read. It was written by Douglas Adams, and actually looked like it could be interesting to read. I wonder who Haruhi stole it from... It looked like something Nagato might read, yet it looked a bit too whimsical. Perhaps Haruhi truly did own this book? Nah, she probably just stole it, or something. Or maybe Nagato lent it to her? It's possible, I guess. As I was in thought, I heard a snore.

At the end of the day, I entered the club room and found myself as the first one in. On a normal day, I wouldn't be too bothered by this, but I still found it to be quite odd. I sat in the computer chair, and pleased my eyes by opening up the hidden folder with beautiful pictures of Asahina-san inside. I stared at the pictures for a good 20 or so minutes, and eventually Haruhi came in. I quickly ALT+F4'd and hid the folder, again. Wouldn't want her destroying the world, now would I? I got out of the chair and sat in one of the seats at the table, letting Haruhi get to her seat at the computer. She sat in her seat, and then, shockingly, pulled out her book. I stared at her sweet face. After thinking about it, it looked somewhat cute and innocent as she read. If she smiled more often, and was perhaps a little bit more normal, she could be a really cute girl. I sighed a bit, and then her eyes slowly glance up at me, and for a second, our eyes met. I quickly looked away and examined the rest of the club room. In the corner were Asahina-san's costumes. The classic maid costume, the bunny girl costumes, and many others. I pondered what her next costumes could be. Could it be to cosplay as an anime character? Or perhaps an eroge* game character? The possibilities are endless. I then focused my attention on the Go board. I walked over to it, and placed it on the table. I set it up, and began to practice strategies. After I was sure I had spent at least twenty minutes on it, I put it away, and took a nap. After what seemed like eternities, the silence was broken as Haruhi announced, "Itsuki, Yuki, and Mikuru are all busy, today, so club activities have been cancelled. You don't have to stay, if you don't want to."

Instantly, I stood up, took my bag, and walked out of the room, closing the door behind me. I exited the school, and began my walk down the hill. It felt nice to walk down the hill, as compared to the angering trek upwards. The air was crisp, and the sun was starting to go down. By checking my watch, it was almost time for dinner. Man, was I hungry. I finally arrived at my house, and came inside and ate my meal. I finished up whatever else I needed to do, then went to sleep.

As I slept, I heard dolphins singing. What was strange was, I understood what they were saying. They were all singing, "So Long & Thanks for all the Fish."

It was truly interesting, but I was afraid when I heard something about them trying to warn us all. I shouted out, "What do you want to warn us of!"

And then, I heard nothing, as I entered my sleep, yet again.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning was a Saturday, so I just left for a cafe. I grabbed some coffee and began to drink. What the hell was I dreaming last night? Dolphins? Singing? Honestly, what is that Haruhi implanting into my brain? I sipped my hot coffee until I saw something in the corner of my eye. Is that... Haruhi? What does she want this early in the morning?

"KYON!" She shouted, running through the door. She quickly sat in the chair in front of me.

"Yes, your majesty?"

"Cut the sarcasm, Kyon! This is serious!"

Oh yes, another oh-so _serious _Haruhi Suzumiya moment. I can't wait to see what the hell she wants now.

"Okay, so you know the earth?"

"Yes, I live on the earth, as do you, what are you getting at?"

"The Vogons are trying to destroy it! Look, the Vogons are going to replace the earth with a hyperspace bypass!"

"Sure, they are, Haruhi, sure they are..."

"Kyon, we have to escape, now!"

"What about our families? What about our friends? What about the rest of the brigade?"

"Screw them, Kyon! We need to survive!"

I'd like to think this is Haruhi just being generally nice to me and wanting me to live, but I'm sure there's a reason behind it.

"Okay, Haruhi, I'll play along. What do we do to escape?"

"Just close your eyes, okay? And wait a few seconds. I'll tell you when it's okay to open them..."

Within minutes, I felt every cell in my body moving upwards. I felt an indescribable pain, and then I was told I could open my eyes.

"Kyon, we are currently on a Vogon demolition ship. This is violating many intergalactic space laws, but no matter. We are inside the trash compartment, and we must try and get to another ship. Also, don't get caught. If we're caught, we may have to endure the third worst thing in the universe!"

"And what would that be? What could they possibly do, kill us?"

"They could, but they'll do worse. A lot worse. A suffering more awful than you could possibly imagine... Vogon poetry!"

"I highly doubt it's that ba-" I began when Haruhi quickly shoved a tablet in my face.

"What's this?" I inquired.

"The Guide!"

The tablet quickly sprung to life and began to glow. The screen was amazingly bright, and began to read itself to me,

"...The very worst poetry in the universe died along with its creator, Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex... in the destruction of the planet Earth..."

"Wow, this is truly awful. What'll we do to evade capture?" As quickly as I had said that, I had doomed us all. How so? A Vogon came in the door to throw out some waste, and ended up seeing us.

It began speaking in some strange alien language, and Haruhi responded, "We request to see your leader."

"Haruhi, how on earth did you understand what he was sayi-"

She randomly kissed me and stuck some chip in my ear.

"That was to allow you to communicate with them. Don't get any ideas, Kyon!"

Sure, Haruhi, and you're totally not raping Mikuru and forcing her to change clothes and touching her poor, soft, body...

WAIT! Dammit, no! No more Mikuru! Mikuru's dead, like everyone else on earth! This is horrible! If Mikuru is dead, then-

No more maid! No! This is awful! How will I survive! There's no reason to live anymore...

"Fine, but make it quick!" The guard said, now translated.

This is a truly interesting device in my ear.

Haruhi followed after the guard, dragging my hand along the way.

Doesn't she realize how embarrassing this is? Actually, I think she does. She just doesn't give a damn.

The guard led us all the way to their leader's office, and the leader spoke.

"Since you have stowed away upon a Vogon demolition ship, you must die. That is the penalty, I'm afraid. But before you die, I'm going to give you the greatest gift of all..."

"Shit!" Haruhi cursed quietly.

"My poetry!"

"Goddammit..." I whispered.

The poetry was so truly awful, if I were to account it here, I would no doubt be sued by many for the trauma it would no-doubt cause. After the evil poetry, we were thrown into space quickly. Space was large, and there was an extreme lack of oxygen.

In a few seconds, we are going to die. I'm sure of it. Just a few more seconds...

3.

2.

1.

Flash.

We awoke in an infirmary of what Haruhi later told me was the Heart of Gold. I examined my surroundings, and saw in a nearby bed Haruhi was unconscious. At least we're alive, right? I leaned forward, and looked around more. There was a door, but I felt extremely tired. I had narrowly escaped death twice today, and I needed a nap. And so, I went to sleep.


End file.
